Watching Trump nominate so many gutless twits and assholes as defective as himself to his cabinet must have been like watching Nero as Rome burned. Legend says that during Caligula’s descent into madness he appointed his horse to the Roman senate. So there’s precedent, if only mythological.
Last week it was reported that Trump and Putin spoke over the phone following his victory. Trump has, as usual, denied it and also, as usual, made sure there were no witnesses in the room to contradict him. But in my mind’s eye I saw Putin in the Kremlin celebrating Trump’s win along with his oligarch and Bratva buddies while the vodka flowed.
“Misha, to think how many trillions of rubles we’ve invested over the past 70 years trying to defeat the west… who thought it could be so easy?! Za vstrechu!!”
We join the call in progress:
TRUMP: “Thank you for the suggestion, Vlad. I do think Kristi Noem would be an excellent Homeland Security Secretary. She was a solid 8 when she was a beauty queen, now maybe just a 4 since the plastic surgery. I’m told she got her GED to run for office. That will be a hard sell to the smartass liberals, but fuck them. It means she won’t try to upstage a Wharton man! Besides, we’ve got the Senate and I’ve got them by the balls, it’s true, it’s true. So she’s in.
Now let’s talk about that Trump Tower project in Red Squa…”
The room breaks out in laughter and toasts. Nostrovia!! as Putin hushes them. “Quiet, comrades. Save the toasts for later when we break into the Pentagon data center under her reconstructed nose.” He takes the phone off mute.
PUTIN: “Of course we will, my good friend, but later.. This Pete Hegseth person at FoxNews seems like a bright fellow and an excellent choice for Defense, don’t you think? He has no experience running an organization larger than a McDonalds franchise and he has no senior military command experience but… how many rubles do you need to break ground? Let’s double that!”
TRUMP: “I thought of that first. I’m glad you agree, my good friend. Well, I’m thinking that $2 billion would be a good star…“
More toasts and exclamations about useful idiots.
PUTIN: “We’ll get to that soon, I assure you. Now, this one is for your protection, my tangerine tovarisch. You know I’m always thinking of you. I think Matthew Gaetz would make an excellent Attorney General. Not only could he kill the criminal investigations into his own pedophilia and end your upcoming trials but… and I really hate to remind you about this but… the tapes. My enemies still have them so you have your own vulnerabilities that must give you great concern.”
TRUMP: “I don’t know those women! I wouldn’t recognize them if they were peeing right in front of me! Yes, Gaetz has smaller testicles than Marjorie. You wouldn’t believe it. I think he maybe went to law school but who cares? I got Jim Jordan the chair at House Judiciary and he never passed the bar. Gaetz will wear a bridle just fine. He’s just got to do something about his ridiculous hair and pasty skin.”
Tvoye zdorovye! followed by a drunken group song… Rossiya svyashchennaya nasha derzhava… “Quiet, comrades. Let’s finish this and then we’ll start making plans for invading Poland… and making our good friend Donald pay for it!” Putin takes the phone off mute.
PUTIN: “Of course you didn’t know them! But they have the tapes and I’ve seen them. They would be terribly misunderstood if they got into the hands of certain outlets you call fake news. The traitors will be falling out of windows soon, moy doverchivyy durak. Now what do you think about Laura Loomer for Secretary of State? Clearly, you like her, comrade.”
PS: about the title of this article
PPS: Thank you, Trump voters and to the 8.5 million lazy, clueless Biden voters who didn’t turn out for Harris. Fuck off to the both of you. This one’s 100% on you. You’re about to get what’s coming to you.
